January Blues

January blues…a term flung around so often, and unfortunately so flippantly. Growing up, I was ignorantly unaware of the significance and sheer weight of the term’s meaning and the inner struggle it truly represents. Over the past couple of years more notably, I have noticed January’s eerie presence. A sudden realization of pressure. Pressure of upcoming university deadlines. The draining of finances mounting up to cause the collapsing pressure of your lungs; the shortening of your breath and sometimes more damaging the quick fire of your nerve, your patience. All building up to the melting of your character and the whimpering residue left behind of your spirit and soul.

The New Year so often not the song and dance it is built up to be. How do I deal with it? Unfortunately, I don’t. The turning of the year often tumbles down on me and sets off a spiral of anxiety and internal panic that rips me from inside out. Second guessing every decision, every thought and every impulse. I’m trying to say that I am just like you. I worry about the most insignificant and irrelevant things, building them up in my mind to the most monumental and unreachable summits. Try and breathe. Step back. Open up and talk to a loved one. Share that weight upon your shoulders. Take each day as it comes. The soothing sun of February along with its crisp cool air shall soon grace it presence upon your face and give you a new lease of life. Keep pushing. Keep fighting. Keep breaking down barriers and telling yourself you can do this, you will get better and you are never alone. I know this helps and this is true because this is what I tell myself every single day. A down day will pass. A new day will come and I count myself lucky for all the love in my life and support.

Followers of Finding Heather may have noticed recently I have been M.I.A. It is not because I don’t love writing and sharing my experience and struggles because I do, it is all a healing process for me. But, unfortunately recently I have myself been in a deep dark, lung squeezing battle with the January Blues. Fighting through each day and putting it into perspective. Please if you are struggling yourself this January, or any time or year, any stage of your life, do one thing. Open up, share your worries, your fears and your insecurities. It will help more than you think, it certainly has for me, I don’t want to hide in a box any longer.

Why Now? Why At All?

Why do anything? A question which any self-conscious person asks themselves at least once in a lifetime. Is it for yourself, your own ego? For your loved ones, the ones who, if you are lucky, you owe everything too? Or is it for the greater good? A utilitarian sentiment that the majority of us see reason with but often find ourselves making the fatal mistake of being ignorant to, as #1 gets in the way, clouds our judgement and unfortunately for the less morally aware of us, dilutes our integrity. We are all guilty of egotistical acts and I can’t say I blame us for doing so because so often it feels like it is us against the world. But just occasionally the glimpse of others altruistic actions causes us to give greater consideration and cautiousness to the implications of our own.

Honing in more precisely to why I have launched my blog. It’s simple, why not? I’ve managed to pull myself out of a rut, consisting of years of drifting, doubting, damning and out right self-pity. What not everyone realizes is that hundreds and thousands of us are stuck in this vicious circle of what I call self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is acting against your best intentions to deliberately harm yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.

Now, I know mental health comes in all shapes and sizes and by no means can I speak for the whole as any form of mental health should never be generalized but I can speak from my personal experience with deep destructive depression and grappling anxiety. Doing so I hope to open peoples eyes to the dangers of being ignorant to such issues, I want to spread awareness and support to anyone experiencing a difficult time, life struggles or those who know someone in a similar situation. Again, I want to reiterate this is my story, Finding Heather, Finding Me, explores my journey, my battles and my struggles with mental health, self-esteem, body shaming and for me the biggest of all – coming out.

For me coping with all of these overwhelming revelations was an absolutely monumental learning curve. A learning curve about others perceptions, my families and friends attitudes and most importantly a learning curve of self-discovery and self-acceptance. If I can change one persons opinion, support and nurture one person and offer one person a familiar welcoming face to the blogging, mental health awareness and LGBTQ+ community then my blog will have been more than worth it. I want to offer people advice or a story to draw commonalities from and hope from; for me it was something I was not brave enough, courageous enough or strong enough to go searching for help.

Everyone has their own personal battle going on that you are no where near partied too, so please don’t make life harder for people than it already is. Enough s**t is going on around the world that is completely out of our control so let’s focus on what we do have autonomy over – our actions, our emotions and how we think of and treat others. Be kind. Be brave. Be bold. Be you.

For me the honest answer to why now? Why at all? Lies in the pragmatics of my headlining photos. All of which may seem insignificant to you, but for me, for Heather, they all jumped out; offering powerful personal sentiments and inspiration when scrolling through my photo library. Individually, the first, offering light (beautiful, hopeful) amidst darkness and an overwhelming abyss of emptiness. The second, reminding me it truly is mind over matter and anyone can pave their own path to their beautiful, uplifting dreams. Last of all, pride. Take pride in who you are and everything you do because after all its your legacy you are molding, its your story you are telling, it is your life that you are leading. Own your life’s narrative and take pride in what makes you you. I take pride in everything I have conquered and I take pride in being Heather and as always staying bonkers!

Any comments would be appreciated and remember help is always out there, you only need to ask x