Sabotage

I have alluded to such bulldozing force of ‘self-sabotage’ in previous blog posts to spread mental health awareness and promote visibility of such a dilapidating illness. I now would like to share a poem I wrote 1 year and a half ago and the words flooded out of me. I have never shared this before because I truly feel like I am bearing my darkest moment of my soul for all to see. But, with all the support I have received from previous posts I feel like now is the right time to publish this poem for all to see, and hopefully people will begin to truly grasp the seriousness of mental health.

Sabotage

Nothing great lasts too long
Such things are tampered with
Discarded
Railroaded
But by what you may ask?
Or maybe the more poignant question, by who?
Well that remains to be seen
Before I ever recognise any sign of fulfillment I am always greeted by the awareness of its absence
Dampened by the sodden tears of loneliness
Drowning in the she absence of joy

Why?
Maybe there is some truth with such wives tale
You never know what is good until it is gone
But what is the cause of such vanishing act of contentment

I have a persistent stomach churning itch of a monster lurking in the shadows
Again…only becoming aware of its actions after the fact
When the arms of havoc let emptiness embrace me
Gaining a tight suffocating grasp upon ME…the real me
Is this monster the cause of such depression?
Like an old friend it greets me with a certain familiarity
A friend it is not
As with is it, it brings unerring unpleasantness
And unwelcome attendance

With one set in stone intention
To break the status quo and sabotage
Sabotage any flickering light of hope
Sabotage any chance of redemption
Sabotage any chance of recovery
And finally sabotage any chance of peace my soul is yearning to find

It’s come the time where this unrelenting sabotage has caused me to feel an unbridgeable void to happiness
An unbridgeable void to belonging
An unbridgeable void to the old me, the best version of me

I crave to unmask such monster
Expose the true agent to this devastating sickness
However it clings to me
Torments me
Controls me
Possesses me
And inconceivably and senselessly crushes my soul

What is left is I in anguish
I in irreparable despair
I in unimaginable rage
Despite all that is left it is the monster whom is responsible for the actions of unrelenting disparity and sabotage
So why is it I who is left with a lump in my throat
Tears gushing down my face
Drowning me with guilt
Self-hatred

Why?
Because after such devastation every time the monster is unmasked
All I can see is a reflection
Adjoined with the realization that I am the monster of my own demons
I am the chains that bind me to this sickness
I am the master and deceiver of such demoralizing soul sucking self-sabotage
I find it unstoppable but unbearable
Fully aware of its deafening presence yet having no choice but to obey the laws of physics
Move out of the unstoppable forces way because that’s what makes it an unstoppable force

I am, however, aware that I have given it omnipotence in my mind
The destroyer or savior of my life is embedded in my mind
To save my soul I must save my mind
I must abuse this self-sabotage how it did to me
Bludgeon this self-sabotage how it did to me
Asphyxiate this self-sabotage how it did to me
Erase this self-sabotage how it did to me

All I have to remember is that my mind is my phoenix
My sickness is my flames
And one day I shall rise


Why Now? Why At All?

Why do anything? A question which any self-conscious person asks themselves at least once in a lifetime. Is it for yourself, your own ego? For your loved ones, the ones who, if you are lucky, you owe everything too? Or is it for the greater good? A utilitarian sentiment that the majority of us see reason with but often find ourselves making the fatal mistake of being ignorant to, as #1 gets in the way, clouds our judgement and unfortunately for the less morally aware of us, dilutes our integrity. We are all guilty of egotistical acts and I can’t say I blame us for doing so because so often it feels like it is us against the world. But just occasionally the glimpse of others altruistic actions causes us to give greater consideration and cautiousness to the implications of our own.

Honing in more precisely to why I have launched my blog. It’s simple, why not? I’ve managed to pull myself out of a rut, consisting of years of drifting, doubting, damning and out right self-pity. What not everyone realizes is that hundreds and thousands of us are stuck in this vicious circle of what I call self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is acting against your best intentions to deliberately harm yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.

Now, I know mental health comes in all shapes and sizes and by no means can I speak for the whole as any form of mental health should never be generalized but I can speak from my personal experience with deep destructive depression and grappling anxiety. Doing so I hope to open peoples eyes to the dangers of being ignorant to such issues, I want to spread awareness and support to anyone experiencing a difficult time, life struggles or those who know someone in a similar situation. Again, I want to reiterate this is my story, Finding Heather, Finding Me, explores my journey, my battles and my struggles with mental health, self-esteem, body shaming and for me the biggest of all – coming out.

For me coping with all of these overwhelming revelations was an absolutely monumental learning curve. A learning curve about others perceptions, my families and friends attitudes and most importantly a learning curve of self-discovery and self-acceptance. If I can change one persons opinion, support and nurture one person and offer one person a familiar welcoming face to the blogging, mental health awareness and LGBTQ+ community then my blog will have been more than worth it. I want to offer people advice or a story to draw commonalities from and hope from; for me it was something I was not brave enough, courageous enough or strong enough to go searching for help.

Everyone has their own personal battle going on that you are no where near partied too, so please don’t make life harder for people than it already is. Enough s**t is going on around the world that is completely out of our control so let’s focus on what we do have autonomy over – our actions, our emotions and how we think of and treat others. Be kind. Be brave. Be bold. Be you.

For me the honest answer to why now? Why at all? Lies in the pragmatics of my headlining photos. All of which may seem insignificant to you, but for me, for Heather, they all jumped out; offering powerful personal sentiments and inspiration when scrolling through my photo library. Individually, the first, offering light (beautiful, hopeful) amidst darkness and an overwhelming abyss of emptiness. The second, reminding me it truly is mind over matter and anyone can pave their own path to their beautiful, uplifting dreams. Last of all, pride. Take pride in who you are and everything you do because after all its your legacy you are molding, its your story you are telling, it is your life that you are leading. Own your life’s narrative and take pride in what makes you you. I take pride in everything I have conquered and I take pride in being Heather and as always staying bonkers!

Any comments would be appreciated and remember help is always out there, you only need to ask x

Who Am I?

A question which looks so simple but carries so much weight and sensitivity. A question which at first glance looks like a simple introduction but when it is a question that you are asking yourself, like I am right now, it stops you in your tracks and makes you think. In a sentence how would you describe yourself? Seriously, if you were forced to pick 3 words, what would they be?

Well, for me I got asked that exact question when I was 17/18 years old, as part of my school leavers year book. Back then I had no hesitation; like any of my friends would have described me, the choices were simple. To give you an insight and perhaps a ballpark to guess in, here is one of a hundreds of photos that friends and family would see and say “that’s Heather for you”!

A classic Heather pose

Embarrassing I know! But that really is who I am. Someone who isn’t afraid of looking silly, because I love to laugh and smile and I hope I can share a little bit of that with you. And yes I can hear you screaming at the screen…so what 3 words did I punt for!? Unpredictable, hazardous being. That is who I was and at heart who I still am. And you will quickly begin to realize I didn’t pluck those descriptions out of thin air. You could say that “being” is simply a filler but for me it meant so much more than I realized. I felt different, set aside and misunderstood (by others and what I’d later come to learn, by myself also).

But to this day I couldn’t be any more proud of my description back then. In a school and town where most viewed me as the quiet, astute girl; I dared to stand out and show my wackiness. Those who know me, know that is who I am – absolutely bonkers. So it may seem like a small insignificant, meaningless event to many but to me I stayed true to myself. I didn’t stick to the yearbook cliches or memorable one liners. Although, to me I was being amusing, in my own unique way, my description was a taste of who I have always been. And that is a weird, carefree, crazy girl who is more than somewhat clumsy – 12 broken bones to be exact! But we will get to that later as you will soon find out through this blog. I am anything but normal and that’s how I like it. If anyone says you’re not normal, take it as a compliment – it means you stand out and just stump them by asking what is normal?

This is me and I hope to show you why those words embody me, even now, 3 years later – 21 and blogging for the first time. I decided to blog so I could feel free, be unleashed and just be me.

Thanks for reading and stay bonkers!

Heather 🙂